How Not to Choose a Spouse

As I deal with young people on a day-to-day basis, I realize the importance of teaching them Biblical principles concerning dating, relationships, and marriage. The world cries for them to engage in sexual activity outside the God-ordained union of marriage. This world is full of incontinent people; they also want our Christian youth (junior high, high school, college, and young adults) to lose inhibition and all self control. Christ’s church should be the divergent voice in these matters.
However, I often find my own teaching on marriage and dating to include discussion of divorce and remarriage. Certainly, Christians of all ages need to understand God’s entire counsel on marriage because many in the world and in the body pervert Christ’s doctrine on this subject. As divorce rises in our country and the marriage institution is attacked from all sides, we need to teach even more on the matters of dating and marriage; hopefully this kind of teaching will lead to a decline in divorce rates in the world and, more notably, in the church.

"And Samson went down to Timnah, and saw a woman in Timnah of the daughters of the Philistines. And he came up, and told his father and his mother, and said, I have seen a woman in Timnah of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife. Then his father and his mother said unto him, Is there never a woman among the daughters of thy brethren, or among all my people, that thou goest to take a wife of the uncircumcised Philistines? And Samson said unto his father, Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well. "Judges 14:1-3 (ASV 1901)

I will marry someone I date, and I will spend my life (ups and downs, goods and evils, poverty and riches) with that one person. My ultimate goal in marriage should be to glorify God in that union and help my spouse get to heaven. What an important decision! What if I choose the wrong spouse? Thankfully, God has given us examples, both positive and negative, especially in the Old Testament, for our learning (Romans 15:4). As we consider the example before us, let us be wise and not make the same mistakes Samson made in choosing our spouse.

He went looking in the wrong place:
Although Timnah was a city of the Israelites (Joshua 15:10) it was occupied by the Philistines during the time of Samson. The same city later fell to the Philistines again during the reign of Ahaz (2 Chronicles 28:18). Timnah or Timnath is probably the place of Judah’s encounter with Tamar (Genesis 38:12-18). Here, Judah, perceiving his daughter-in-law to be a harlot, was deceived by her into committing adultery and conceiving an illegitimate child. Samson was looking in the wrong place. A city of such history and controlled by a nation in complete disagreement with everything the Israelites stood for was no place to look for a future wife. Compare this account with that of Isaac. Abraham made certain that Isaac did not marry a woman of the Canaanites (Genesis 24). In fact, Abraham sent his servant back to his home land to find a suitable wife for his beloved son.
Many people today seek out dates and ultimately future spouses in the wrong places. Bars, clubs, and other places which foster immorality (places which are completely against God and His holy Word) are not good locations to look for dates. Unfortunately though, many people, even Christians, look to find that ‘special someone’ in an atmosphere of debauchery. It should come as no surprise if a relationship struck at an immoral establishment is also characterized by immorality.
Although there are many neutral places where happy marriages and relationships have begun (social clubs, schools, work, or the grocery store), what better place to look for a future spouse than among the saints? The church gathers together weekly or daily to study God’s Word or to worship Him or even to meet socially for dinner or fellowship; is there a better time or place to build lasting relationships? It is among the saints that we find people of the same moral fiber, with the same goals, and submissive to the same standard.
He was listening to the wrong people:
Samson listened to himself instead of the wise counsel of his parents. He is characterized by selfishness. First, “he told” his mother and father. This shows a complete lack of respect for his parents who deserved so much more. Respect for those who are older (Proverbs 16:31) and parents in particular (Exodus 20:12) was integral to the Old Law and is imperative in the New Law (Ephesians 6:1-3).
Second, Samson did not listen to his parents. Even though most young people believe that parents are out of touch with reality, parents have been through similar situations (“there is nothing new under the sun”) and have wise counsel to offer (cf. Proverbs 19:20). Does this mean that we should always do what our parents demand? Not necessarily, but we should give them our ear. Paul condemned those who were disobedient (Greek: unpersuadable) to parents (2 Timothy 3:2). Notice Samson’s exact word before he spoke with his parents: “get her for me” and after he spoke with his parents: “get her for me”. The instruction of his parents had absolutely no bearing on his decision.
Third, he did not heed godly instruction. Not only did Samson neglect the advice of those who were older, he disregarded the spiritual wisdom which was given to him. His father and mother directed him towards the women who would have the same spiritual priorities as he did while steering Samson away from the women of the uncircumcised Philistines. Circumcision was distinct to the Israelites, given to them by direct commandment of God (Genesis 17:10ff). Samson went into the ungodly people and sought companionship there.
Today, parents should play a vital role in the lives of their children, even in dating and marriage. When parents do not approve of a relationship, the proverbial red flag should go up. Young people should show respect to parents, grandparents, and others that have been there before. Their ears should be persuadable. But above all else, in all situations, particularly a choice as important as a spouse, godly instruction needs to be regarded.
He was emphasizing the wrong priorities:
Solomon’s search began and ended with his eyes, he “saw woman” (vs. 1) and “I have seen a woman of the daughters of the Philistines” (vs. 3). Then, he gave his reasoning for choosing her to his parents, “for she pleaseth me well”. Samson stated that she was pleasing to the eyes. While relationships often start with looks, this can never be the sustaining factor in a meaningful or lasting relationship. Looks and lusts fade; therefore, spiritual qualities must be emphasized. Had Samson emphasized qualities other than looks, he would not have looked among God’s enemies for a spouse, and he would not have found a treacherous woman. Instead, he would have found a woman whose adorning, that of the inner person of her heart, was incorruptible (1 Peter 3:4).
All sources of media today accentuate the physical. Women (and some men) are engrossed with make-up, plastic surgery, and crash diets. It would do us good to listen to 1 Timothy 4:8. There is some profit in physical exercise, but godliness is always profitable. As young people seek out dates and ultimately spouses, they need to look beyond the beauty of youth and towards the chastity of behavior. Christians should try to see as God sees (1 Samuel 16:7) and seek others who imitate God (Ephesians 5:1).

Samson is remembered for his strength, not his smarts. These poor choices in selecting his spouse led to a miserable relationship. His wife betrayed him. After they separated, she was given by her father to Samson’s companion. Then, Samson and the Philistines began a back and forth struggle of grave consequences. Samson’s wife was burned, many lives were lost, and eventually Samson (betrayed by another woman, Delilah, who was persuaded by his Philistine enemies) lost his own life. God has warned us, by revealed example, how not to choose a wife. If young people today do not take careful consideration when choosing their dates and ultimately their spouse, they can expect similar, miserable consequences. However, if they look in the right places, listen to the right people, and emphasize the right priorities, they can expect someone whose price is far above rubies. “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, And obtaineth favor of Jehovah,” Proverbs 18:22.
Trent Kennedy

This article originally appeared in The Gospel Journal